BitterSweet Day.....

First of all, we have all waited for this day a long time. Some of you will still be waiting to be with Meili for many more days. The wait was so worth it. Second, this will go down as one of the most emotionally crippling days of our lives (Meili especially).
Our day started by flying to Taiyuan from Beijing at 1140 am (one hour on the runway because of air traffic congestion?). Meili's morning started at 8 am aboard the outbound train from Beijing to Taiyuan with Grape (her main caretaker and another nanny). We arrived at the Shanxi Grand Hotel around 2 pm and quickly prepared to travel to the Civil Affairs Office of Taiyuan. We arrived at 4 pm at the Civil Affairs to find Meili and Grape already there. Meili had both hands full of treats (bribes ;) ) to keep her occupied while she had to process what these two strangers were doing back in her life, yet again. She seemed to enjoy Julie's presence but continues to be leery of the strange man with her. I didn't make a duck noise today, Scout's honor!. She was so anxious, while we talked she completely devoured in seconds two large Kit Kat like bars and was looking for more of anything to calm her world or at least take control of one part of it. We talked with the translator and Grape for some time while the Civil Affairs Officer talked with the Yuncheng director to finalize some of the paper work. I helped Meili with some "yoghurt" that Grape had so thoughtfully prepared for Meili (some of her favorite!) while Grape and another nanny from BH quickly and quietly slipped out of the room. It didn't take Meili long to feel the loss of her cherished caretaker Grape. She started to cry and wanted so badly to bolt out the door after her. Julie quietly picked Meili up into her arms to console her. It wasn't easy for Meili but she held on to what she could for that moment. Julie said that prior to Grape leaving she saw Grape trembling. We know Meili was loved dearly especially by Grape. How great her sorrow and happiness for Meili. Grape is so selfless. We will cherish her always in our hearts.
Meili continued to cry off and on. Luckily Julie was able to get her to quiet down enough to interact with her. Meili was fine for a few moments but then would cry. I felt helpless because I couldn't do anything to help. Anytime I caught eye contact with Meili she quickly returned to crying. She did at one moment while exiting the building reach for me from Julie's arms, wrapped her little arms around my neck, and held there for all of about 3 seconds. Once she realized who was holding her she was reaching back for Julie. It was a wonderful 3 seconds.
We finished our business at the CA's Office, got into a cab and headed down the road a block or two only to return because we needed her picture taken for her paperwork. Crossing the road on foot is a story in and of itself (for later days if you are interested). We got the picture taken and back into the cab we went. Meili continued to cling around Julie's neck the whole way home. Once we got her to our room, we were able to just sit and interact with her....I tried everything to get this cutest little child to trust me, but no way on her part. We gave her a bath, and put on PJ's and she sacked out on us.
The hardest part for me is knowing the great loss to her of some wonderful people in her life today. This precious little child only knows this old life. She can't comprehend our new life. It is difficult to swallow the reality of knowing we are the ones making the change in her life. This is the bittersweet I felt today. I do however know that it was us or someone else who would be shaping her existence. The foster group home was not the end all for her and we all knew it. Everyone who cared for her knew it. But the difficult nature of this change for Meili is breaking my heart. It really makes the weight of parenting her even heavier. It really puts the weight of the gift of parenting for all our children crushing on my soul. My emotions however are tied to a beautiful dark haired brown eyed wonder laying in a crib next to me, knowing that at any moment she is going to wake up and realize the nightmare continues. I can only pray the dreams will be pleasant and one morning when she awakens she will feel safe and welcomed in our reality. Until then I can only try to engage those untrusting eyes and earn a place in her life, more importantly in her heart. God is great! Imagine how he feels when we left his presence to come here. There is hope through him that this will pass in her life, that we will fill her empty void, and that together we as a family will build and lift each other to greater things....like LOVE. The greatest gift of all we have been asked to give and have.....!